


A new beginning

by spiesserchen



Category: Supernatural, Wayward Sisters - Fandom
Genre: LGBTQ Character, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:01:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29017854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiesserchen/pseuds/spiesserchen
Summary: Leilah has always been different. Her powers something she couldn’t control and doesn’t even know where they are coming from. Her mom die when she was born, so she ran away to find her dad, to understand herself and what she is.After an incident at a police station in Minnesota, she gets some unexpected help.
Relationships: Kaia Nieves/Claire Novak
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

If I knew, what would haven happen at this particular day in May, chances are high that I wouldn’t have believed myself.  
I was sitting at a police station somewhere in Minnesota. To be honest I didn’t really care, what they were going to do this time. I lost count how many times I sat at a desk of a police officer. Mostly because I robbed stores for food. Or stolen money. Or both. You probably think now, that I just another troubled teenager. That I deserve to be here. That all hope for me is gone. And you are probably right. I could just have stayed with my Aunt and live a normal life. But I am not normal. 

The police officer who arrested me sat down at his desk and turned to me. “So. What’s your name.”  
I put on my most sarcastic smile and said: “Screw you.”  
He sighed, got up again and grabbed an ink pad a piece of paper to take my fingerprints. The officer took that sheet and went to run my prints through the system. I leaned back at my chair and waited for him to come back. 

A blonde woman came into the police station. With a big smile on her face, she said: “Good morning!” and grabbed a donut from the box next to the coffee machine. She sat down at the desk next to the one, where I was sitting. How is any morning good? How can someone be so annoyingly happy?  
She looked at me. “What did you do to end up here?”, she asked while pulling out stuff from her bag.  
Just for a second I thought about telling her the truth, but then I just turned away and ignored her.  
“I know plenty young people like you. You don’t have to be this.”

“Well, hello Ms. Leilah Spencer. Oh, good morning, Donna.” The officer came back with a big file. “It seems like you’ve done this before. Multiple times actually.” He sat down. “Textbook runaway child. So, shall we call your aunt then?”  
“As if she would care.” Maybe she would. I haven’t talked to her in years. Just after I turned 16, I got out and began travelling the US. Not for the sake of travelling. I was searching for someone; still am. “I’m 18 so, you can’t force me to go back to her.”  
“No, but she filed a missing person’s report and she’ll be very interested in the fact that you are still alive and in Minnesota.”  
“Don’t you dare.” I felt the anger starting to cook up in me. “Don’t you dare calling her!” I felt energy running through my body, felt how it wants to go out. I began balling up my hands. I can’t let it out here. Not here, not now. Not in front of everyone. I closed my eyes and tried to control my breathing. 

He picked up the phone and started dialing the number. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in…  
“Hello Mrs. Lawrence? Here is-”  
“NO!” I stood up and screamed. A flood of energy moved through the room. Like a wave of pressure, everything flew against the walls and windows. The desks flipped and possibly hurt some of the police officers. Glasses and windows broke, if it wasn’t the wave, it was the officers who flew against them. Everything in the room moved towards the walls. No one was standing or sitting anymore, but lying on the floor, pressed against the walls or trapped under piles of furniture.

I sank to the ground. Everybody stared at me. What have I done? Why can’t I control myself? Silently I started sobbing in the middle of the room. No one could move. No one dared to. Everyone was frightened. Frightened of me. And why wouldn’t they? I am a monster. I mean no normal person has these powers like me.  
One person finally started to move. I heard steps walking towards me. “Hey.” I looked up and saw the blond woman. She sat down next to me and smiled. “Are you okay, sweetie?”  
“Yes.” I nodded and wiped away some of my tears.  
“What’s your name?”  
“Leilah.”  
“Nice to meet you Leilah, I’m Donna. You seem, as if you might need help.” She took my hand. “Let me help you.” 

I nodded. We got up and left the room. Eventually the others started moving again and trying to furniture back to where it was. We were standing outside next to Donnas car. ”How long did you have these powers?”  
“As long as I can remember.”  
“What about your parents?”  
“Never knew them. My Mom died when I was born and my Dad never cared to show up. My Aunt says that it was just one night. He probably doesn’t even know, that I exist.”  
“And your Mom, was she-”  
“No. No, she was human.” I sighed. “I tried to find my Dad. That’s why I ran away. My aunt says that I’ll never find him and that its hopeless, but I need to find him. I need to know what’s going on with me. I didn’t want to hurt her. I know that she is looking for me. But I can’t go home.”  
“I know.” She got over to me. We were both leaning on her car. “I don’t know, what you are. But I’ve dealt with monsters. Many of them. Vampires, Werewolves… You name it, I’ve killed it.” She looked at me. “But you aren’t a monster, sweetheart. I know someone, who can help you figure out, who you are. Do you want me to call her?”  
“You want to help me? After what I have done in there?”  
“You are no bad person. You are just some kid who needs help.” She smiled at me. “And I know the right person, to help you.” She grabbed her phone and dialed a number. “Hey Jodie, how are you? I’ve got some kid here who needs some help figuring herself out. Yes, it is about the little incident at the station and I’m not going to ask, how you found out about it so quickly. Okay, we are on our way. See ya later.” She got off the phone and opened the door of her car. “Ready?” I nodded and got into the car.

We drove for a long while until we reached our destination point. A house in Sioux Falls. Once we drove up the driveway a slightly grey-haired woman was already waiting for us in front of the house. We got out of the car and the walked towards us. “Hey Donna, nice to see you.” They hugged and then she looked at me. “Hi, I’m Jodie.”  
“Leilah.”  
“You want to come inside?” She smiled.  
I grabbed my bag and followed her inside the house. It looked really nice. Like a home is supposed to look. Everywhere were photos, family and friends I assumed. On the table were 6 plates and more food than an entire football team could eat. “You are just in time for dinner. Alex must be home soon and Claire is… outside… somewhere. Do you want something to drink?”  
I shook my head, but Jodie went in the kitchen and got me a glass of water. A tall black girl came into the Livingroom. “Hey Donna.” She gave Donna a hug and then looked at me. “Who is that?”  
“That’s Leilah. She is going to stay here for a bit.”  
“Nice to meet you, my name is Patience.” She smiled at me and followed Jodie in the kitchen. Jodie came back with two glasses of water and we sat down at the couch.  
“So tell me about, what happened at the police station.”  
Unsure where to start, I looked at Donna. “You can tell her sweetheart. We just want to help.”  
“I … I don’t know. I just got angry and scared. I don’t remember doing that.”  
“How did it feel?”  
“Like a wave of energy flooding my system, like something wanted to get out.”  
“Can you control that power?”  
I shook my head. “No. I tried to keep it in, but it didn’t work. I don’t want to hurt anyone.”  
Donna looked at Jodie. “I’ve never seen something like that before.”  
Jodie tried to think. “I think I did.” She turned to me. “When did your mom become pregnant and when did she get you?”  
“Um.. I don’t know, I was born in April. Apparently, I came earlier than expected.”  
“Do you hear voices sometimes, in your head?”  
I nodded. How did she know?

“Donna, can I talk to you outside?” Donna seemed concerned, but agreed and the went outside. They took a while to came back, so I walked around the room and looked at the pictures. On a shelf with some books about mystical creatures was a picture of a blonde girl, about my age and three older men.  
“The Winchesters.”  
I look around. Patience was leaning on the doorframe of the living room. She smiled. “They are best hunters of this world. Well, they were.”  
“Were?”  
She walked up to me and pointed at the tall one. “That’s Sam. He is still alive, but his brother Dean…” she pointed at the man next to him “Died a couple of months ago.  
“Oh, I’m so sorry.”  
“They helped me, you know. They helped so many people. Everyone at this house wouldn’t be who they are now without them.”  
“Who is that girl?” I pointed at the blonde girl.  
“Oh, that’s Claire. She lives here with us.”

Jodie and Donna came back in. “We need to talk to you after Dinner about something.” I nodded and said: “Okay.”  
Alex came back from work and we started eating Dinner. Claire later joined us. I helped doing the dishes and after everything was done, I sat down with Jodie and Donna.

Jodie took a deep breath. “Leilah, I think you are Nephilim.”  
I was confused. “A what?”  
“Half human, half angel. They are extremely rare, but based on what you’ve told us and what we’ve seen, it’s likely that you are part angel.”  
“But… angels don’t exist. They are made up.”  
Donna tried to take my hand, but I pushed it away. “Angels do exist. Don’t be afraid. We got this.”  
I felt so many emotions rising up in me. My hands began to shake. I felt a tingle in my fingers, I felt the energy bubbling up inside me. “I have to get out.” I jump up from the couch and ran to the front door.  
“Sweetie, everything is okay.” Donna and Jodie got up and tried to come after me.

“No, please!” I felt a tear running down my cheek. “I don’t want to hurt you.” I ran outside. I ran and ran and ran until I was deep in the woods. I felt the energy rising up inside me. I tried to keep it in. I ran further and further. It was pitch black. I couldn’t see, where I was going or where I came from. I tripped over something. Possibly a root or stick or a rock. I fell and hit the ground. I felt the energy rising. Why is my life like this? Why am I like this? I just wanted to be normal. I heard steps coming into my direction. I tried to see who was coming.  
I screamed: “Please. Step back!” in that direction.  
“Hello?” A voice which sounded like a boy made its way through the dark. I saw glowing copper eyes coming towards me.  
I crawled away. Who was that? The boy saw me, came to me and sat down next to me. He made a gesture with his hand and the forest seemed to light up around us. “Hi.” He smiled. “I’m Jack.” He looked about my age. I didn’t know what to say. He touched my hands and the bubbling energy inside me calmed down. “I think we should talk.”


	2. Chapter 2

I pulled my hands away from him and crawled a few feet away. “How did you do that?” I was scared. Who was this boy? What was this boy? I could feel that he wasn’t human.  
“Don’t be afraid. Everything is going to be fine.” He got up and came towards me. The light followed him. “I can help you understand your powers.” He reached out his hand. “I know how you feel, trust me. Let us help us help you. Let me help you.”  
I got up by myself and brushed off the dirt. “Why do you want to help me? I don’t even know you.”  
“I’ve been where you are. I felt so different from the rest of the world, I was so alone. I couldn’t control my powers and I kept hurting people. I was afraid of myself and what I am capable of doing.” He came a step closer. “You don’t have to be afraid. You can learn to control them and be as you want to be.”  
We started walking back to Jody’s house. “Are you a …” I tried to remember what the thing I was was called.  
“Nephilim?”  
“Yes.” I looked at him.  
“Well, that’s kind of complicated. I used to and know I’m God. Well I absorbed his powers.”  
I started laughing and Jack look confused at me. “Wait, You’re serious.”

„Like I said, it’s complicated.“ 

I decided that it probably would be better, if I didn’t ask. From the distance we could see the lights of Jody‘s house. I could see that Jody once again was standing on the porch of the front door. „Why is she waiting there?“

„Because she cares. She was worried, so she called me.“

„Why would she care about me? She didn’t even know me until a couple of hours ago.“

„Because she always cares. She seems tough and sometimes scary, and she is, but she is also a mom, who just wants to keep her kids safe.“

I stopped walking. „Her kids?“ But that would mean that I’m one of her kids now. Why would she care about me? I was no one. I constantly hurt others. I was a monster, a freak.

„Yes. That’s what she does. She takes care of kids, who need help. Troubled kids with no roots or a real family. Outcasts. Kids that need a mom.“ He looked at me. „Kids like you. Kids like Claire and Alex. Kids like me. And „kids“ like Sam and Dean.“

„No one ever really cared about me. I mean my aunt kinda did, but not like a mom would do.“ Well she did when I was a child. When I got older and started asking questions about my mother and my father, she became annoyed by these questions; maybe because she didn’t have any answers and I wouldn’t stop asking. 

„A wise man once told me, that family don‘t end with blood. And it doesn‘t start there either. Family is about the people who deeply care about you. And they do care about you, because they can relate. They may not be half angel, but they’ve been where you are and they just want to help. Because they care.“

I don’t think that my aunt doesn’t care about me. But she was never the person I saw as family. I never had something like a proper family before. We continued walking to Jodys house. 

„Hey. How are you feeling?“ She seemed concerned.

„Better.“ I looked at Jody. „I understand if you don’t want me to be here anymore after what happened...“

„Are you kidding? Everyone makes mistakes. And even if you are not ready to open up yet, we are there for you. Just don’t shut us out. We just want to help you and understand, okay?“

I smiled. The first time in a long time it was a true and honest smile. „Okay.“ We went back inside the house and sat down once again. „So what now?“

„We need you to get your powers under control. When we’ve done that, we can go looking for your dad.“ 

„How do I do that? If I could control them, I would.“

Jack got up and went to the dinner table where he picked something up. He came back with a pen in his hand. „When I started trying to control my powers, Sam tried to help me. He made me lift a pencil. So, why don’t we start with that?“ He handed me the pen. „Unfortunately I have to get back to heaven now, I‘ve been away for too long.“

„That’s fine Jack, thank you very much.“ Jody got up and hugged Jack.

„And Leilah, if you need me, just give me a call. Send a little prayer and I‘ll do my best to help.“ And with that he was gone.

„Okay, I think we should go to bed now. It got really late. Our guest room is a storage room now. I’m going to put everything from the storage room in the garage as soon as I can. Would it be okay for you to sleep on the couch until then?“

„Yes, of course. I don’t sleep very much anyway...“

She gave me a warm hug. „Good night.“

„Good night.“


	3. Chapter 3

I could not sleep at all that night. Not because the couch was too hard or the light of streetlights were shining bright into the living room. I mean I usually don’t sleep very much, but at least a little bit, but this night my mind couldn’t get to rest. My thoughts were circling my head and keeping me awake. I curled up under the blanket and closed my eyes, but I just could not fall asleep. Got up again and started wandering around the room. Why do normal people sleep so much?

I browsed through the bookshelf. Lots of books about the supernatural and a few romantic novels mixed in with pictures of friends and family and both. I switched on the light of a small lamp near the couch and pulled out one of the books and started reading. I read the whole night. It was the only thing that calmed my thoughts down. It kept me away from dealing with what happened these past 24 hours. 

Jodie was the first one who got up. When she came into the living room, I already read two or three books. „Morning! You are up early.“ She went to the kitchen and I followed her. 

„Can I help you with anything?“ I leaned onto the kitchen counter. 

„No, I’m good. What do you want for breakfast?“ She opened a cupboard. „Toast, Cereal,...“

„Cereal sounds good.“

Jody pulled out a box of cornflakes and popped two slices of toast into the toaster. I put some of the cornflake into a bowl and poured milk over it. We sat down at the kitchen table and started eating our breakfasts. 

„I still got some time before I have to leave for work, so I could help you with your training. I mean, if you want.“

I nodded slightly. „I would like that“, I said quietly. I still wasn’t very comfortable with accepting help, after everything that happened. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to, but Jody was there for me and I felt like I could trust her.

After the breakfast we sat down at the living room table, the pencil in front of me. „Okay, whenever you are ready.“

I looked at the pencil and held out my hand. Nothing. Not even a spark. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Still nothing. Where is all that energy? Where are my powers when I need them? I opened my eyes and sighed. Why isn’t that working? I looked disappointed to Jody.

„Everything is okay. Things like that, they need time. I have to go to work now. Keep on practicing. We could try again together tomorrow after my shift.“

„Sure.“

Jody got her things and left for work and just an hour or two later, Alex also left for work, dropping off Patience at school. Claire stayed home and slept till way after lunchtime. She seemed different. Happier.

„Hey.“

„Hey.“ I‘ve been sitting here for hours now and that stupid pencil still didn’t move. „What’s up? You seem different.“

„Oh, someone is coming home today and I haven’t seen her in a long time.“ She put some cereal in a bowl and poured milk over it.

„A friend?“

She hesitated. „Yeah.“ And joined me in the living room. She looked confused at the pencil. „What are you doing?“

„Trying to lift this stupid pencil. I‘ve been trying this whole morning and it didn’t move at all.“ I looked at Claire, who started eating her cereal. „So your friend… Why didn’t you see them in so long?“

„She was on a trip upstate. I’m just glad that she is coming back today.“ She smiled.

„What’s her name?“

„Kaia.“ She ate the rest of her cereals and drank the remaining milk directly out of her bowl. „I‘ve really missed her.“

„I know that this isn’t my business, but is it possible that you like her more than a just friend?“

Claire put her bowl down. „Maybe“, she mumbled. „But what if? I don’t think that she likes me in that way, so ...“

„Have you asked her?“

„...no.“

„So, how do you know that?“

„Because I just know. She’ll probably hate me, if I ask her and then she‘ll never talk to me again.“

I pushed the pencil aside. „I don’t think that this is going to happen. Even if she doesn’t have feelings for you, she‘ll probably still want to be friends with you.“

She looked at me. „Wait. That’s it.“

I was confused. „What?“

„You said that the last times your powers came out it was because your emotions cooked up in you. So what if you need these emotions to control them?“

I was surprised. That had never occurred to me. „Maybe you are right.“ I stared at the pencil. Then I looked at Claire. „Are you going to talk to her?“

„Maybe.“ She smiled. „I don’t know if someone told you that, but she saved my life. Literally. And in so many other ways.“ She looked at her watch. „I have to go know and pick her and Alex up. Are you going to be fine?“

„I guess so.“

Claire got up and left. I stared at the pencil for a good half an hour til I finally got myself to try it again. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on my emotions. The energy was building up inside me. Now I only have to let it out making sure that it won't be too much at once. The energy was building up faster and faster. I couldn’t control it anymore. I tried to calm it down, but it was too late. An incredible bright light filled the room. When I opened my eyes again, the whole living room was trashed. I completely destroyed the table. The windows and picture frames are broken. No. No, no, no, no. Why? I almost got it. I, I, I … I sank down, sobbing. I can’t do this anymore. I am tired. I am tired of destroying everything. Jody will be so mad, when she comes back. She will be so disappointed. I went into the kitchen and looked for supplies to clean up the mess I just made.

I need help. I can’t do this on my own. But I don’t want help. I don’t want to disappoint people anymore. Why isn’t there someone who understands me? I had an idea. I closed my eyes and interlocked my fingers. That’s ridiculous, I thought. „Hey, Jack. I hope you can hear me. It’s me, Leilah. Remember me? I could really use some help.“ I opened my eyes. Nothing. Of course. Why would he come when I call?

Somebody knock on my door. Oh no, is Jody home already? I don’t want her to see the mess and worry about me. „Come in!“

A tall guy in a trench coat came into my room. I panicked and reached for a pair of scissors that laid on the counter and pointed it to that man. „Who are you? Get out of this house!“

The man looked unimpressed at the scissors and came a few steps into my direction. „Leilah, right? I‘m Cast-... Cas.“

„How do you know my name?“ I took a few steps back, until my back hit the wall.

„You called, didn’t you? Jack sent me. You need help?“

I slightly lowered the scissors. „Are you an angel?“ He nodded.

„Jack sent you?“

„Yes.“ He hesitated. „He wanted to come, but he thought it might be better to let someone deal with this problem, who dealt with this before.“

I slid down the wall and sat on the ground in the corner of the room. „I keep hurting everyone. Why do I have to be this?“ A tear rolled down my cheek. „I just wanted to be normal.“

„I don’t know.“ Cas came over to me and sat down next to me. „But I can try helping you, so you have control over your powers.“

„I tried that, but it didn’t work. I am tired. I just want them to be gone.“

„Would you give me a chance? I can’t promise that it’ll work, but it is worth a try.“

I looked down my hands. Why do I have to destroy everything? Then I looked up to that weird man in the Trenchcoat. I didn’t knew him, but I trusted him. „Okay.“ We got up. „But not here. I don’t want to put them in danger. Not after what happened.“

Cas nodded and started thinking. „I know a place, where we could go.“ He hesitated. „I haven’t been there for a while.“ He seemed to be lost in his own thoughts. 

„Cas?“ I touched his shoulder.

„I’m sorry. We should go.“

„Wait a moment.“ I got some paper and wrote a note for Jody and the rest. They shouldn’t worry about where I went. I scribbled a ‚love you‘ under my text and got back to Cas. „Okay, I am ready.“ Cas touched my shoulder and we were gone in the blink of an eye.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger Warning!*  
> I am going to mention suicide briefly in this chapter. If you are not comfortable with this topic, please skip the poetry slam at the end of this chapter.
> 
> Have a nice day :)

„Wow. Where are we?“ We were standing in the middle of a small library. Bookshelves on the sides, some big tables in the middle. I walked around the room and went down a couple of stairs that led to the next room. A giant cartography table was standing in the middle, stairs leading up to a door, which I suspected led out of whatever we were in. I made my way back into the library.

„We are in one of the men of letters bunkers that are in the US. I used to live here with the Winchesters.“ He walked up to one of the tables and let his hand wander Over some scratched marks on this table. „I haven’t been here in a couple of months, but I figured that this is a good place to practice your skills, without hurting anyone.“ He seemed like he was drifting away in his thoughts. 

„This place is awesome. Why haven’t you been here in so long?“ I wandered along the bookshelves. This library had everything you need to know about the supernatural. 

„Well that’s kinda a long story.“

„Well I got time and I don’t sleep very much.“ I sat down at one of the tables. „Tell me about these Winchesters. Everyone seems to know them, they are like the superstars of monster hunters.“

„They were. The best hunters you could imagine. They saved so many people. Started and stopped the apocalypse multiple times.“ Cas sat down at the other side of the table. „Dean died a couple of months ago.“

„Oh. I’m so sorry.“

„Yeah. I really miss him. But I heard he is really happy in his heaven, though.“ He sighed. „Well Sam still hunts, occasionally.“

„But if he is in heaven and you are an angel, why haven’t you visited him yet?“

„Because the last time I saw him, I...“ Cas got up again. „We should find a room for you.“

I got up and followed him through the corridors. I wanted to ask what had happened, but it felt too personal to ask, so I just walked along. „So how was he like?“

Cas smiled. „The best man I ever met. The most caring man on earth and one of the best hunters there‘ll ever be.“ He stopped. We stood in front of a storage room. Cas seemed to drift away. „I loved him. I still do. That’s the last thing I said to him“, he said after a few seconds have passed. „And I know that he loved me too. I could feel it.“

„So what keeps you from just being together?“

Cas turned to me. „I don’t know. I think he was scared of what people would say. And I think that we were scared of losing each other.“ But that is so unfair, I thought. Why do we have to be scared, when we just want to love?

We started walking again. Silently we walked down the corridor till we found an empty bedroom. Cas opened the door and switched on the light. All the walls were covered in weird symbols.

„Oh. Right. We had a ... friend that stayed here for a while. I hope you don’t mind the writing on the walls.“

„No, not at all.“ I went into the room and let my hand wander over the writings on the walls. „What is this?“

„Enochian. The language of the angels.“

„It’s beautiful.“

Cas smiled and proceeded to show me the rest of the bunker. But that was my room now.

_________

Months have passed. I have probably read every book in this library twice and haven’t seen the sunlight in a very long time. I have lost count how many times I‘ve been wandering around the bunker, trying to find something new. In the meantime I have tried learning to control my powers, failing most of the time. But lately I was getting better at keeping them in in stressful situations and I was less frightened to go out.

„Everything ok?“ Cas came into the library, while I was sitting at one of the tables, rereading one of the books.

„Yeah. What are you up to?“

„Um, I just got a call from Sam. There is a case a couple of hours from here and he is busy working a different case, so I’m going to take care of that. There is food in the kitchen and you can call me any time, if you need me. I‘ll be back in a couple of days.“

My eyes lit up. A case? Finally a chance to get out of the bunker and do something. Sitting in the bunker all day would have driven me insane, if I stayed in here any longer. „Can I come with you?“

„No. It’s too dangerous. I don’t even know yet, what I’m dealing with.“ He grabbed his bag and walked towards the stairs.

„Cas, please. If I am going to stay any longer in this bunker, I am going nuts. Besides: I am relatively able to control my powers and you could use another pair of hands, instead of fighting this thing alone.“

He sighed. „No. You have no experience in fighting the supernatural. You could get yourself killed.“

I stood up and walked towards Cas. „Then show me. Every hunter had to start somewhere and I have read probably every book in this library twice, so if someone can figure out what we are dealing with, it's me. Cas, please.“

„Fine.“ He rolled his eyes. „But just this once. And if it is too dangerous, you‘ll promise me, that you let me do this alone.“

„I promise.“ And I ran into my room and packed my clothes and joined Cas in the car. 

„So what happened?“ 

„At multiple poetry slam events some of the contestants have been found dead. “

„But some people who are suddenly dead, aren’t that suspicious.“

Cas handed me a brown folder with multiple pictures and some articles in it. „They all look like they‘re frozen. Like they are frozen in a moment.“ I pulled out some of the photos. He was right. They all look like the time just stopped. Like someone took a photograph of them.

„Okay so what are we going to do?“

„We go to that event and stop whatever this is.“ 

„But they weren’t killed on stage. And there is no way that we get backstage without participating in that show.“

„You’re right, we have to blend in“, he said and we drove into the parking lot of the first motel off the highway.

___________

I stood on the side of a fairly small stage with a few pages of cheap motel paper in my hand. When Cas said we had to blend in, I didn’t think he would actually suggest doing a poetry slam. In front of a real audience. With real people. But the only way to find out what we are dealing with is trying to attract that something. So I stood nervously in the wings waiting to get on stage to perform the probably most crappy poetry slam someone’s ever heard. But who did not want to hear about all the things you can do with duct tape? But I did not have a better idea than that so the duct tape had to work. Or at least had to work for the case. 

I heard my name and went on stage. The host lowered the mic and went off stage. I unfolded my pages and looked into the audience. The stage lights were really bright, but I could see Cas waiting for me to start. I had an idea. Improvising may not have been a good idea in this situation, but when I saw Cas, I had something to say. I remembered our conversation and something wanted out. Something that wanted to be said a long time ago. I folded the pages up again and slipped them into my back pocket. Then I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

„I am tired. Now more than ever. About something that shouldn’t be so frustrating. I just want to scream and shout. I feel like the world and its inhabitants have taken over me. The people who hate have taken over. Those who think that they have the ultimate truth. Those who go after and kill people like me. Those that say that we should go to a doctor and cure ourselves.

I am tired. I am tired of being frightened. Of being careful, what to say to people. I am done thinking about who I am showing my true self and who doesn‘t get to see that. I am tired of hiding. Staying in the background hoping, no one would notice me. I am done being frightened of people leaving me because they got to see the real me. Tired of being frightened of being the outcast. Tired of being frightened because of hate.

I am scared of coming out. Because being queer still means being different. Being weird. Everyone knows someone who is queer, but _they_ are still the weird ones. Different. Outcasts.

It took a really long time for me being honest to myself. To recognise that I am one of _them_. And it still is hard being completely honest with myself.

And I am frustrated. Because there are still people that hate on people like me. People who want to change people like me. People at the Prides shouting Bible Verses and holding signs.

And I got only one question: Why?

Why do you hate us so much? We haven‘t done anything to you. We only want to be free and have the same rights as someone who is straight. Because we still suffer under inequality. And there is still inequality .Often we can’t marry the person we love. Even in countries that protect queer people. Some lose their jobs. Kids get thrown out by their parents. Some get killed by their family. In some countries we could get imprisoned, tortured and or executed, just for being ourselves. And you ignore that. And you ignore so much more.

You ignore the pain that you cause when you tell people to see a doctor to get rid of their homosexual thoughts and feelings. The people who actually go to a conversion therapy and realise that they can’t get rid of their queerness. The people who only see suicide a the last resort, because they don’t want to get hurt by their family and friends when they find out the truth. 

You ignore that there are more rules in the bible than just the rule about gay people. Like it is forbidden to cut your hair and beard or not wearing mixed material clothing,but when was the last time you stood in front of a hair salon or a clothing store shouting bible verses? You ignore the fact that Jesus was the one who said: love thy neighbour. 

And I am done. There is nothing wrong with us. There never was anything wrong with us. So many queer people have suffered in the history, have been murdered because their love did not fit into the society. We only want to be free. Holding the hand of our partner without people staring at us. Kissing our loved ones without getting homophobe comments. Without being scared of getting beaten up by people who hate us.

Our sexuality doesn’t make us less human than anybody else. We are here, we are queer and we are not going anywhere. We are not giving up. Not ever.

And I am still frustrated when I see the hate on the internet. People who hide behind a nickname, giving others hell. People who post homophobic propaganda and trying to win more people for their ideology.

I am frustrated because I see people who just want to be themselves, but they can’t because they are scared. Because there are still people who lose their family and friends or their jobs because of loving someone. Because of kids being bullied in and outside of school.

I am frustrated when I think of what people had to go through in history. They were being discriminated against, persecuted, sometimes tortured and murdered. 

I am frustrated because I am frustrated. Because I have to stand here and talk about what is going wrong and that so much is going wrong. You can’t choose who you love. I did not choose to be queer. But being homophobic and hateful is a choice. You can choose to hate or just let us live our lives. 

Because hate makes no one happy. Neither the people who are being hated, nor the people who hate.“


End file.
